It was a rare moment and opportunity to have a woman host a late-night talk show online. As previously scheduled, Comedian Chelsea Handler begins her week with Jimmy Kimmel just days after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade.
“I’ll be here all week,” Handler said at the beginning of her monologue. “Or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk.”
She then joked that Kimmel is currently on vacation “doing whatever he wants with his body.” And then, “At this point, I might have more rights if my vagina were AR-15.”
Overall, Handler had the opportunity to tell many jokes that the regular host could never do, including one about women removing a menstrual-tracking app from their photos. “Because if they have an abortion, they worry law enforcement might use the data to track and prosecute them,” she explains. “I also deleted my menstrual app, but mostly because I’m in menopause.”
The court’s decision, Handler said, has made her a “very strong advocate of the withdrawal method,” which she describes as “when you pull Clarence Thomas out of the Supreme Court.”
“I was thinking to myself, who would marry a pig like Clarence Thomas,” she added, before pointing out Ginni Thomas’s tendency to revolt. “Yes, she is working behind the scenes to overturn a democratic election. Isn’t it beautiful when two disgusting and scary people find each other? They are the ultimate abuse of power couple.”
The whole thing was “particularly sad,” Handler said, when you realize that three of the six judges who voted to oust Roe were appointed by a former president with “more than a dozen charges of assault.” sex, who lost the popular vote twice, who was impeached twice, and attempted a coup because he was a big, fat, little loser.”
Handler also defended Republicans, who still claim to be “pro-life” despite doing everything they can to make life harder for the kids they claim they want. save” by outlawing abortion.
She said: “To take care of the people’s health, it is for life. “Restrict guns, it’s life. Fighting climate change, it’s also life. Listen to the doctors during a pandemic, also for life. Do not force women to give birth like livestock. But your party opposes all of that. Calling Republican pro-life is like calling OJ Simpson pro-wife.”
And Handler made sure viewers knew she was speaking from the experience of someone who had three abortions while still in high school. “And if that sounds too serious, let’s pretend I have two,” she joked.
She concluded: “Because this is one thing, the planet is a much safer place that I don’t contaminate it with my children.
For more, listen to Chelsea Handler on The last laugh audio files.
