Couple caught having sex in game Blue Jays

I mean, we use the baseball metaphor for sex

I mean, we use the baseball metaphor for sex
Screenshots: Twitter: @blogTO

It’s been joked that you have to come up with baseball to get your horns off. When you need to extend the proceedings to a period that is not awkward or even acceptable to both parties (or more?) Think of everyone hitting third thirds in the 1991 National League and you can stay to a conclusion a little longer, so let’s move on to theory (yes, theory, I’ve certainly never taken it). The only 1991 third-person hitters I can think of are Luis Salazar and Charlie Hayes, obviously not enough to delay… I should probably stop here). It’s even a main joke of “Everything you want to know about sex but are afraid to ask,“Sadly a Woody Allen movie that proves the universality of the joke. Add a new layer to it which is the players’ name delivered by Tony Randall, but another thing you have to think about to lower the volume, so to speak.

That doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.

After last week effort in Oaklandwe have a new couple in Toronto from Monday night.

Don’t make excuses with this local Toronto newspaper’s choice of terminology, but it’s not an act. That’s the whole show, and thanks to the police who came there was also a Q&A session after the show for the audience.

I’m not here to kink shame or question how one might pass the time of nine innings, though it seemed more understandable in Oakland where the A’s are an intentionally woebegone team. The Jays are fighting for a playoff spot! Although I do agree that anything is better than watching the Cubs. Though generally the only thing getting fucked anywhere near the Cubs is their own fans. BOOM! I used to be a comedian, y’know.

Again, as we said when the Oakland couple was spotted, if you head to a deserted section of the stadium, people are going to see you. You have to disguise yourself in plain sight. Didn’t we learn anything from Whitey Bulger? I also either have to commend or question, I’m really not sure, our male participant here as lying on a bed of concrete stairs comes with its toll to be paid later. But then again I’m not as young as I used to be and soreness is a constant companion. I definitely have to commend this couple for keeping their passions up in the last row of Rogers Centre, because if you’ve ever gotten really close to the top of a stadium and gotten a good look at what’s in the rafters and in the concrete, it’s not exactly an uplifting experience. From the last row of Wrigley one got a good look at the substance the Wrigley crew used to seal up cracks in the century-old concrete, which looked something like a cross between stadium nacho cheese and nerf footballs. That didn’t exactly get the zowsers back into your trousers.

Also, it would allow for a true zinger from Cubs’ broadcaster Beth Mowins:

Still, this would seem to be a pretty sound retort to the idea that baseball is dying. I mean, how could you be more on the opposite end of the spectrum?

Cruz line

Then again, maybe baseball can make you horny, at least if you keep watching Oneil Cruz. Monday night we saw him launch a tracer into the Milwaukee night that didn’t travel on an arc so much as approach an orbit. Last night, he ended a Pirates win over the Brewers by turning a double play with a throw that TV cameras couldn’t keep up with and would have audibly torn the air:

At this rate, PNC Park might end up looking like an ecstasy-doused key party at Caligula’s on a holiday weekend.

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