Melinda Gates took the MasterClass on relationships as she prepared to date again. Here are the main tips

After the vulnerability of her public divorce, announced in May 2021, is “unbelievably painful in countless ways“, the philanthropist says she’s thinking more deeply about the types of relationships she aspires to have in the future, both professionally and emotionally. And to do that, she recorded copy a few notes from renowned psychotherapist and author Esther Perel, shared at Luck’s The Most Powerful Woman Summit in California last week where she just completed a relationship expert course Master class on relational intelligence.

“One of all [Perel] Gates said at the conference. “I am both in a relationship with my ex-husband at work and hopefully I will eventually have a personal relationship with someone outside of work, but we have to think about the strength within the relationship. relationship and how do you share it and share it collaboratively . “

In his MasterClass, Perel emphasizes that power – “inherent in all relationships” – is not something you have to give but something you can share and build with your partner.

Here are some key takeaways from Perel’s class on how to create and maintain healthy relationships in all aspects of your life:

Establish shared power in the relationship

“The question is always, does it have the right to “pass” or does it have the right to” over,’ Perel said in her class, explaining that the latter can be “inviting”, “cooperating” and “activity”. Contrary to popular belief, we don’t fall into positions of power in interpersonal relationships – and Perel challenges the idea that the breadwinner automatically holds power. But what strength might look like is that one person may have more resources at the moment, creating space for the other person to spend more time taking care of an aging parent, for example, or taking a class. they always want to participate, which can help establish shared power and weaken perceived power imbalances.

Once seen as fixed in interpersonal relationships, says Perel, power is instead flexible and something worth negotiating.

“The main question is not do I have power, but do I have self-determination?” Perel said in her class. “Can I take some steps separate from what you are doing with me or with us?”

Everyone has the right to self-determination regardless of money, either a decision maker or an assertive person. Perel explains in his class that power evolves, and once we understand how, it becomes clearer that it can come from the bottom or the top whether it’s at work or in relationships. individual.

Having power — or representation, I suppose — serves as an opportunity to raise the spirits of the partners rather than assert dominance over them.

Take risks with partners to build trust

Some people need to trust someone has taken a risk with a partner before, but Perel says taking risks can also help build that trust.

Perel suggests, try taking “micro-risks” by doing something new in your relationship. It can be like sharing something new with a partner and saying no or even saying yes to something you wouldn’t normally do. This practice can help build trust over time and encourage more risk-taking behaviour.

Feeling betrayed because of a breach of trust is a common human experience, but these “fractures,” as Perel says, can be mended, in the same way a plate can be broken and yet broken again. stick together even when the cracks make it look different. Repeated problem of plates.

Understand your bias

Like it or not, sometimes we assume someone will act a certain way, even betray us, before we actually give them a chance to prove otherwise. Many people enter relationships with expectations of what will happen, and this can limit one’s ability to empathize, set boundaries, and understand one’s role with one’s partner. Fight this by being curious or asking questions to understand where others are coming from, Perel said in his class. If one grew up as an only child and the other as the eldest of four siblings, the roles assumed as adults and in future relationships stem from fundamentally different perspectives. Perel says it’s the “context” that matters.

Appear with self-consciousness

It is a mistake to believe that you enter into a new relationship with someone who is pure — as much as we could possibly want. Everything we go through builds on its own to shape how we present ourselves in a new relationship, and so self-awareness is the first foundation on which to develop relational intelligence.

Developing self-awareness in the context of so-called unofficial resume—Or relationship history — put vulnerability first and pave the way for a more authentic connection.

“Whether you used to have an emphasis on autonomy and self-reliance or whether you grew up with an emphasis on loyalty and interdependence. That unofficial resume is our story, and stories are what bind us to people. That’s the bridge,” Perel noted in Luck important conference.

This kind of reflection can broaden our perspective and make it easier for us to recognize our strengths and weaknesses as we enter a relationship; Awareness can also help us let go of some of the “stories” or assumptions we tell about ourselves that are limiting our ability to thrive in a relationship.

Once seen as dependent on other foundational skills, emotional and relational intelligence now feels compelled to achieve success with others, especially in a world fundamentally changed by The technological landscape can mask emotions in others that were previously easy to observe.

And when the French Gates was asked how to “move” with her ex-husband at the conference, she noted that her focus was also on sharing her unofficial résumé.

“I think what it taught me is what I’ve always wanted to do, which is to be my truest self everywhere I go,” says French Gates.